as i teeter in between writhing pain and a surreal sense of calm, a friend and i had a conversation about lovers past, and how those scars on our hearts are affecting the way we love now. because honestly, there is no denying that the way we love is deeply persuaded by the way we once loved and were loved. we harbour fears like stolen cargo stashed in the crevices of our hearts.

to all who know me, you know that my relationships are often complicated even after they have fizzled out. what is a feeble attempt at post-relationship friendship turns into the green eyed wrath of the human condition, the forked tongue of truth cuts the sexual tension like a knife, and what was once burning passion turns into wretched burn marks on the inside of my cranium. so when i told my friend that i had come to terms with that, and that i had finally come to respect the scars on our hearts as maps to better tomorrows, she asked me, 

“if (he’ll) always have a place in your heart, why aren’t you still with (him)?” [in reference to an ex i had gone back and forth to]

and i figured out why. finally, after all this time, i can say i figured out why.

 because i deserve better.

i deserve someone who is willing to jump fences for me, not be on the fence about me. I deserve someone who is patient in laying beside me , not someone who is quick to lay a hand on me. i deserve more than what i have previously allowed into my fortress of a heart. i will not wait around for someone to decide whether or not to invest in me, or allow someone investing too much in me be the deciding factor on my happiness. 

i will be no one’s second choice.

i will be no one’s obligation.

but i will accept the love i am given, in the most simplest of terms. 

and because of that, that’s why i think i’m ready for this. i’m ready to trust someone with my time, my follies, my demons, and myself; in the most simplest of terms. 

people often question me when i tell them that i am in a new relationship. they ask me how well i know him, or if i know i’m ready to date again (because my relationship before the last big one sort of tanked then i started to fool around in compensation), or whether or not i am stable enough to date. and although i understand their concern and i love everyone deeply for their opinions, i’ve finally come to terms with the ability to say

fuck you.

granted, i’m still scarred. i’m still scared. i’m still a lot of things- some of which are particularly negative. but the moral of the story is that not everything is going to be clean cut. sometimes love is going to smack you hard across the face until you question the stability of the ground you stand on. sometimes love is going to reject you because you make them grow weary, and you make them think unholy things about this life. 

and sometimes love sees you in a room full of strangers, and makes you laugh. sometimes love will take your hand and shower you with kisses. sometimes love fights with you, but in the end,

love is there.

and darlings, that’s just what i need.